You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
