Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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