just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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