I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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