Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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