No stitches, just platelets and will power
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
