youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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