i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
