mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
