He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
When did angry sex become our thing?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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