I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
PANTIES FOUND
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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