Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
