He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
