the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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