Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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