We're like a lot better than the average bears
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
