I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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