sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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