I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
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She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
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You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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