College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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