i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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