**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
