sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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