I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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