I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
