i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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