just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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