Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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