remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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