I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
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I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
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I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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