guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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