Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
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