Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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