I'm eating all of the evidence.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
