Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
