If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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