How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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