I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
