is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Enjoy the penises
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
