how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
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I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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