What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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