i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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