So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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