I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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