I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
