In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
