I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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