Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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