New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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