This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
