The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
