Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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