Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
