i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
