I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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