I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
